Virginia Attorney Ken Cuccinelli today announced that his office would be revising the name of the Commonwealth of Virginia, as of June 1.
"Virginia, will always exist, sweet, pure and Southern, in our hearts," Cuccinelli said to the Virginia House of Delegates earlier today. "But, as Shakespeare once said, a rose by any other name would stink just as much. So with that in mind, our office has decided that the name of the Commonwealth does not represent the 'spirit' of the Commonwealth.
"We feel that the name 'Virginia' has become tainted over the centuries. It seems kind of fishy, if you know what I mean. Seriously, sometimes, I'm embarrassed to say where I'm from. 'Virginia.' I mean, do you even know a virgin anywhere in Richmond?" he said, chuckling.
"Anyhoo, the Governor and I, in accordance with stone tablets set down by Thomas Jefferson, Pat Robertson and Glenn Beck over 400 years ago, hereby decree that the Commonwealth of Virginia, as of June 1, shall henceforth be known as 'R.'
"Please let me explain, my fellow R-ians. In this day and age of moral decay and rampant immorality, it's important to revise our state seal and all our mottoes and historical slogans to reflect the new Virgini-- I mean, R. Why R? Simple: it's the only letter in the Commonwealth's name that is NOT in the word 'vagina.' And that's just nasty, don't you think? I find it distasteful to even say it. Vuh-jay-jay. Puts a bad taste in my mouth.
"We will no longer embarass our school children who are forced to learn Vagina's history. Nor will we any longer ridicule the historians who like to poke around central Vagina. But, hey -- we're not here to censor or usurp the 1st Amendment -- not all that much. We're just here to keep it clean for the sake of the children. No bare titties on the seal, no 'virgins,' and definitely no 'vir-ginas.' That's a bush we don't have to beat around any more.
"Thank you, all you loyal Republicans. The others -- I'll see you festering in the liberal, Godforsaken h-e-double hockey sticks you so richly deserve.
"And may God Bless R forever."