Not-Recommended Reading -- the new Stephen King "book"

BLOCKADE BILLY, the new "book" from Stephen King.

Unless you're a King purist or if you love baseball stories, you won't miss anything if you leave this one on the shelves.

First, it's barely a book.  It's packaged like a kid's book, about 7.25" x 5 1/8," much like The Series of Unfortunate Events series.  There's no dust jacket, it's only 132 tiny pages long, and it contains two short stories.  ONLY two stories.  And the price is $14.99.

Thank God I got 30% off at Target.

Second, I love King's work.  I've been a fan since 1976 with CARRIE and 'SALEM'S LOT.  I used to collect his limited editions, I've met him, written about him, and am, simply, an aficianado.

And I simply can't recommend that you go out and get this book.  It's just not worth it.

The two stories are, at best, minor tales.  Like much of his short fiction from the last few years, they are realistic instead of supernatural -- nothing wrong with that.

What's wrong is my third point.  King used to be imaginative and innovative in both story ideas and in the ways he told a story.  Lately, though, he has fallen back on his old tropes and two particular ways of storytelling, both of which are, in their own ways, now quite trite.

"Blockade Billy" is told in the voice King has come to be known for: the voice of Old Uncle Steve, telling you a story on the front porch -- and you won't believe what happened when . . .

That voice has become so clichéd that, in many ways, I cringe when I read his stories.  I still can't finish his last short fiction anthology.

"Morality" is told in King's modern fiction voice.  The narrative more straightforward and economical -- but the mechanics of telling the story are not "Kingian."  It's "McSweeneyan."  It's like typical 300-level college fiction, where the writer will leave the end open, without much explanation, thinking that the reader can supply his own meaning -- that minimalism and contemporary storytelling is more important than the story itself.

King became famous for his own individual and twisted vision of life.  The short fiction in NIGHT SHIFT and SKELETON CREW are, perhaps, his best short pieces, simply because they were so singular.  An astronaut who suddenly develops eyes popping up from beneath his skin.  A fog that moves in, opening a doorway to a netherworld filled with pale, unhuman nightbeasts.

"Blockade Billy" and "Morality" are far from original, far from well-written, far from imaginative and far from enjoyable.  They are, in short, nothing special -- and that's a damn shame, because I miss the Stephen King who gave us an American Lord of the Rings, a Maine visited by Dracula, a crazed number-one fan, and an extremely haunted hotel.

I miss primal King.

McDonnell's Right-Wing Droolfest 2010 Continues

It's Spazapalooza in the Virginia Governor's Mansion.  If you thought VA's current administration had just gotten off the short bus, think again -- they're still behind the wheel and pulling a Thelma and Louise.  Now they're bringing in the NRA to Virginia public schools.

Finally -- a valid argument for sending intelligent kids to private schools!  Leave the right-wing droolers in public schools with all the guns.  Do you think Eddie the Eagle will help set up metal detectors at the doors?  Naaaaaah.

Hey Kids! Look! Free Fetus Dolls!

Now that Kookinutti and company are trying to clean up Virginia's decadent immorality, it looks like the far right wingnut fringe is taking politics to grade school.

These adorable lil' kewpie dolls were handed out in an elementary school in Norfolk, along with attached anti-abortion messages.

Ain't that just precious?  Book-lernin' and God-fearin' at the same time!

Rand Paul . . . the new Dan Quayle

. . . and he's a teabagging racist to boot!  I, personally, would like to thank Kentucky for their lovely gift.  Rand Paul will provide hour upon hour of comedy material to America.

Read this.  Understand the type of people we're electing.

When the Facts Don't Matter

. . . it's probably because people are believing the lies.  They'd rather hear comfortable words instead of the truth.  It's called epistemic bias.  And politicians are using it against us all.

Next on Pedophile Island . . .

If you thought the Cooch was a little bit whacked out here in VA, get a load of this guy running for governor of California.   Yes, I love me some crazoids!

Cuccinelli Changes Name of Virginia to "R"

Virginia Attorney Ken Cuccinelli today announced that his office would be revising the name of the Commonwealth of Virginia, as of June 1.

"Virginia, will always exist, sweet, pure and Southern, in our hearts," Cuccinelli said to the Virginia House of Delegates earlier today.  "But, as Shakespeare once said, a rose by any other name would stink just as much.  So with that in mind, our office has decided that the name of the Commonwealth does not represent the 'spirit' of the Commonwealth.

"We feel that the name 'Virginia' has become tainted over the centuries.  It seems kind of fishy, if you know what I mean.  Seriously, sometimes, I'm embarrassed to say where I'm from.  'Virginia.'  I mean, do you even know a virgin anywhere in Richmond?" he said, chuckling.

"Anyhoo, the Governor and I, in accordance with stone tablets set down by Thomas Jefferson, Pat Robertson and Glenn Beck over 400 years ago, hereby decree that the Commonwealth of Virginia, as of June 1, shall henceforth be known as 'R.'

"Please let me explain, my fellow R-ians.  In this day and age of moral decay and rampant immorality, it's important to revise our state seal and all our mottoes and historical slogans to reflect the new Virgini-- I mean, R.  Why R?  Simple: it's the only letter in the Commonwealth's name that is NOT in the word 'vagina.'  And that's just nasty, don't you think?  I find it distasteful to even say it.  Vuh-jay-jay.  Puts a bad taste in my mouth.

"We will no longer embarass our school children who are forced to learn Vagina's history.  Nor will we any longer ridicule the historians who like to poke around central Vagina.  But, hey -- we're not here to censor or usurp the 1st Amendment -- not all that much.  We're just here to keep it clean for the sake of the children.  No bare titties on the seal, no 'virgins,' and definitely no 'vir-ginas.'  That's a bush we don't have to beat around any more.

"Thank you, all you loyal Republicans.  The others -- I'll see you festering in the liberal, Godforsaken h-e-double hockey sticks you so richly deserve.

"And may God Bless R forever."

Recommended Reading

SEMI-TOUGH
Dan Jenkins

I've only read one baseball novel -- Field of Dreams, which, by the way, is incredible both in print and up on the screen -- but I'm a sucker for good football novels, especially funny ones.

Semi-Tough is the first and probably best of the adventures of Billy Clyde Puckett, Shake Tiller and Barbara Jane Bookman.  If you've seen the movie with Burt Reynolds and Kris Kristofferson, they're two different animals, and the book is far funnier, not to mention far, far superior.  To give you an example, Semi-Tough's first sequel, Life its Ownself, opens with this line written in perfect Texas English:

You win football games with them horny old boys who want to eat the crotch out of a end zone.

Damn, that's good writin'!  And if the sequel can be that good, the first book has to be even better.  (I'd quote from Semi-Tough if I had the book close at hand, but it's clear in the other room with one of the cats, and the ice is melting in my bourbon, and I ain't moving.)

Football and sex the way it should be.  Grunting, sweaty and mean.  And funny.

Eating Alone

Once you read this post by mi amigo, Cliff, check this one out.  And then, especially if you're a business person, this may be of interest.

Food, as they say, for thought.

 Thanks to Cliff for the inspiration, and apologies to Cliff, who doesn't like links.

Welcome to Ken Kookynutty's Cavalcade of Big Government Censorship

When the Republitards scream about how they're against Big Government, don't believe 'em.

They're lying.

They want you to believe Big Government means expensive government -- programs that spend money for the benefit of the people.

Well, obviously, they're against that.  They don't turn the other cheek, they don't lend a helping hand, and those Cadillacs in the welfare recipients' driveways?  They want to take them back.  Maybe they should be called Repo-blicans.

The hush-hush secret about Big Government -- and because Government is always big, no matter what,  let's call this exactly what it is: Republican Government -- is that they want Their Government to make decisions for us.  Such as, deciding for us things we can and cannot be allowed to see.

Like a woman's boob.

And it isn't even a real woman.  It's a piece of freakin' art.  A coupla thousand years of artistic heritage . . . and Virginia's Morals-Endowed-by-God-and-Pat-Robertson Attorney General, Ken Cuccinelli, thinks our state seal is as nasty as Janet Jackson's wardrobe malfunction.

There is the offending tit.  Right there.  The one with the nipple.  Right next to the big thing she's holding that looks like a . . .

It's a sword.  Suspiciously blunt and slightly flesh-colored, yet still a sword.

That's the goddess Victus -- but you can call her Miss Jackson if you're nasty.  Here's a news story all about this joker we elected into office.  Basically, Cuccinelli ordered the seal to be revised so he could make official pins for his AG office and give them out.

Revised by covering up said tit with "armor."

Republitards make a big deal about heritage and tradition.  The first seal of Virginia was designed by George Wythe, with input from Thomas Jefferson (forgive me if my history is a little off), and reflected both our spirit of American Revolution and a belief in the Greco-Roman classics -- the literature that would lead Virginia and the new nation into an age of intellectual enlightenment.

Intellectual?  No wonder Cuccinelli ordered it covered up.   Intellectual is the same as Democrat.  Progressive.

Liberal.

As is being noted in articles across the Web, Cuccinelli is a joke.  He deserves the ridicule he will receive -- as his White House censorial predecessor, King John Ashcroft, received when he tried to cover up the classical nude statues of Justice.

As far as I'm concerned, flaunt 'em if you got 'em; bare 'em if they're big.  I vote this babe to be on our next state seal.

She can even hold my sword . . .